Friday, March 30, 2012

if we win...


our neighbor bought us a lottery ticket today. it's a big pot.

if we win,

we'll put a million dollars in an account for all six girls that they can't get to until they're much older.

we'll put away enough money for each of them to go to college outright.

we'll put in another bathroom and a woodstove.

we'll all spend some time this summer in paris, in copenhagen, on chebeague.

we'll give a bunch of money to our local school.

we'll give a bunch of money to our local food pantry.

we'll paint our house.

we'll build a little house out back where our crumbling garage is, and we'll live there later in life.

or maybe, we'll have tim's mom live out there, but we'll hire someone to bring her her coffee in the morning.

she and i have decided that we'll meet on the porch for wine in the afternoons, but it would be nice to have someone else to take care of us.

we'd like a friendly but unobtrusive masseuse to come in at night when tim and i are falling asleep to rub our feet.

maybe he/she would feed the cats on their way out.

we'd like lots of dogs. (i'd like just one, but i'm trying to be inclusive here.)

we would fix the radio in my car. i haven't had one for over four years.

we would buy me a hasselblad with a polaroid back.

we would buy tim a travco.

we would buy liz an airstream with mahogany panels.

we would buy me an acoustic bass.

we would worry less.

or we would worry more.

what do you think? i think we might worry more.

if we win,
i'll let you know.

what will you do if you win tonight?


Thursday, March 29, 2012

lest you think i've gone away...

dinner done.
dinner for nine.

some girls out of the house: babysitting, scooping ice cream.
some girls sitting at my feet-on my feet!-laughing being crazy annoying.
(in that happy way.)
one girl about to lose a (first)tooth. being administered tylenol and orajel and wine.
if only we had whiskey in the house, all would be well.

tim running the bath now, and one girl walking through, humming.
a few lights on, and dinner cleaned up and this is the best time.

maybe someday i'll write something more. better. fuller. clearer.

these days, this is all i've got.

just wanted you to know i'm here,
lest you think i've gone away.


Sunday, March 25, 2012

hi from sunday night.


tim's asleep on the couch; he was surfing today, in the atlantic ocean.
and no matter how crazywarm some days have been here this spring (this winter!), the atlantic ocean off the coast of long island in march is cold.

anna's tucked under blankets next to him on the couch, eating rice and beans, and watching on the laptop the end of whatever they were watching before t. fell asleep.

i'm nearing the end of my sunday. ready for tomorrow: lunches, laundry, work clothes, calendar checked.

and now i wait. for t. to wake up. for the girls to come home. for anna to go to sleep. for it to be my turn.

now i wait.

in the meantime, there's sun still resting on the windowsills, and there are pansies now on the front steps. there's dinner almost ready and and ideas are percolating.

oh! how i wish i could mobilize on some of those ideas.

signing off would be a good first step.
signing off.

more soon.
best wishes for a sweet, gentle week.

Saturday, March 24, 2012

things i've cut and brought in the house.


spring things.

more soon. enjoy today.

Friday, March 23, 2012

friday happiness::

i feel like i have something to say.

i feel like i have to say something.

about love and family and complications and truth.

but right now there's too much to sort through. and also, this is a time to breathe deep and recover.

with the breathing will come thinking, and i'll bring it all back together in the end.

for now,
i'll have a sweet quiet weekend.
and wishes to you for the same.


Wednesday, March 21, 2012

we've got a new guitar in the house.
i'm hoping to add one more, soon.
i've always wanted an acoustic bass. the electric is just too much effort to get set up, so i never practice.
and therefore, i stink.

i'm thinking if lindsey is practicing, and kt is playing, and tim picks up a guitar or a drumstick...well, i could then easily pick up an acoustic bass and start playing.

anyway. that's what i'm thinking.

more soon. we're having bedtime reading out on the porch. i can hear lindsey over at the neighbors' and the birds are on their thirteenth hour of crazy noise. they're driving the cats batty.


Sunday, March 18, 2012

hi from sunday night.


my dreams lately have been so intense that i wake up in the mornings feeling as though i've been through something since i closed my eyes the night before.

i spent the morning yesterday driving down the westside highway, on the way to brooklyn, listening and laughing to wait wait don't tell me with tim's mom, and it felt like we had tickets to a really good show, with an ever-changing motion picture of river, and people, and buildings, and narrow streets.

apparently there's some sort of debate over the use of the oxford comma? what?

lindsey and i had a long, easy lunch at eat, at which these photos were taken, and we came home and instantly re-created the "sweet dressing": apple cider vinegar, olive oil, honey, salt, and pepper. we've made it twice since then.

please note the gratuitous use of the oxford comma in the above sentence; perhaps one of the few in which it was unnecessary.

last night was really fun.

i made shepherd's pie for dinner tonight, for the first time, with emily's direction, and it was, as promised, fantastic. if i do say so myself.

it was definitely much more enjoyable because it was shared with family and friends.

i'm not everybody's cup of tea.

a new week. and the fact that i look forward to it is perhaps the best of all.

take care. best wishes.
more soon.

Friday, March 16, 2012

friday happiness.


in a way, maybe i've got nothing to worry about.

but i worry.
about the girls.
not all of them at once.
or maybe all of them all the time.
but then,
more acutely,
they each have their place in the rotation of real worry.
wake up in the middle of the night sort of worry.
not sure what to do or say worry.

also? that saying about the squeaky wheel getting the grease...
i think that is a very important thing to keep in mind.

for maybe the one(s) who are not currently on the high maintenance track
are the one(s) i should be worrying about.

so ok.
maybe i've got lots to worry about.

but then again;
it's friday.
and they're all here-or there. they're around here somewhere.
and some are laughing downstairs and some are quiet upstairs and one is out at gymnastics and one is sitting on my feet at the end of the couch, playing a game.

and so,
i worry.

but maybe i've got nothing to worry about.

i not know.

happy friday.

Monday, March 12, 2012

guitar lesson.
march 8.
waiting to go.

not sure what conclusion to draw about the fact that i've been turning my digitals into black and white lately. well, for a while now.
it's sort of one of those affectations that annoys me. but yet, i've been doing it.
maybe when i'm in between rolls of film back from the shop, and i'm fresh out of polaroid film, and i start playing around with the nikon...well. i like it a lot. more than i thought i did, perhaps.

but something about the crispness. the accuracy. the specificity, of the digital. it doesn't fit with my vision of the things that i'm shooting.


the black and white seems to make it all a little more vague. more of a generic moment or feeling.

rather than: emily wore that aqua-blue shirt i bought for callie three years ago, that never got worn. em must have had to rip the tags off of it this afternoon...

and it's not just: there's em waiting, all pissed-off, for tim to come back from picking up the big girls before he brings her to gymnastics.

now, in black & white it's: i will always remember emily at fourteen just like this. beautiful.

more soon.

Tuesday, March 6, 2012

i not know.


when anna was little(r), instead of saying "i don't know" she would say "i not know."

it's a sad day, i think, when your little ones,
particularly your littlest one,
grows out of their last baby-ism.
you know.
like "woof" for dog.
like "gaga and diddoo" for callie and lindsey.
like "waffers" for waffles. (this a recent entry from a friend at work.)

for a few years, my parents christmas gift to us would be a weekend at mohonk. if you know it, then you know. if you don't, then look here.

one year, when anna was maybe three, and we were all in the awesome pool, and i had her in my arms swishing about, my dad (aka pop-pop) swam up to us under the water and emerged right in her face and, frankly, scared the shit out of her. he came up and said "anna! what are you doing here?"
and just before she burst into tears, she managed to squeal out "I NOT KNOW!!!"

all was well in a matter of seconds, as pop-pop is pretty much the licorice to nana's sugar,
but still.

every time it think of that. every time i think of the "i not know" stage, and the loss thereof.
i laugh a little bit out loud.
and i cry a little inside.

of all of the characters in that story, none will stay the same for long.
none will be around forever.


i know people have all sorts of awesome mantras and whatnot,
but can that be mine?

i not know.

more soon.

Monday, March 5, 2012


if i fed everyone, and the kitchen is clean, and the garbage is out, and the laundry is going, and the lunches are ready, and the e-mails are answered, and the desk is straightened up, and the girls have been kissed, and the porch light is on, and the cats are in, and the teakettle is full and ready for the morning...
if i've done all this...

what does it all mean?


Sunday, March 4, 2012

another handful of random.


roasted potatoes may be the ultimate comfort food. especially when they're leftovers.
what? it seemed like a good idea to go to the ikea in the most populated city in the northeast.
on a sunday. with three kids.
so sue me.
red hook, brooklyn in the gloaming was beautiful today.
listening to callie and tim assembling the new bed in the basement is alternately heartwarming and hilarious.
lindsey has decided to spell her name with a z. i'm cool with that.
i used the term "first world problem" in reference to callie complaining about something, and she laughed. in a good way. she got it. my most recent proudest moment.
i'm definitely having tim make a pizza for me later on tonight.
this is not a euphemism for anything.
have the hard talks with the people you love. it's always better than not talking about it.
the kids keep switching my phone wallpaper photo to one of themselves. it's a really ridiculous 21st century manifestation of sibling rivalry.
the twins painted their room in six hours yesterday. it looks awesome. (and now matches our livingroom. that will not always be the case. the livingroom will be grey soon.)
this just in: we are out of hot sauce. this is a major problem. (albeit, again, first world.)
when i get all birdy on the scent of a photo, and run out toward my prey, and get it and come back feeling triumphant, i think i've never been happier.
i've got happy girl sounds floating from upstairs and downstairs, and while i wish there were no sounds, i'm glad for happy, nonetheless.
i wonder what will happen next.

more soon. best wishes for a good week.

p.s.::i made the pizza tonight! and it was excellent. i'm sure this will come back to bite me in the ass.

Friday, March 2, 2012

friday happiness::

march 1.

i just heard please and thank you out of the girls to each other.
tim and i will walk across the park in a little while for dinner with grown-ups.
i love going to work and actually had fun today at the office.
i spent twenty minutes last night on the roof with a sobbing girl, and today she seems just fine and dandy. i take fine and dandy with a grain of salt. but i'll take it.
fresh flowers that i bought for myself.
watching the neighbor cook korean food through the window, and seeing the mister kiss her when he comes in the room.
a big girl taking a big step-babysitting overnight-all on her own.
a new sweater that an acquaintance who happens to work at the shop helped me buy with her discount. a random act of kindness that meant a lot to me.
a looming, much and long anticipated trip to ikea planned for sunday.
good loving.
film in the camera.
weekend on deck.

more soon.
best wishes to you.