Monday, October 31, 2011



304::365
i've created a (really pretty) monster.

so perhaps i'd be asleep right now, except that we've three fifteen-year-olds out with a few friends of the same vintage, out in town for the rocky horror picture show.

i sent them off with full bellies and strict instructions and participation kits full of rocky horror props (toast! cards! toilet paper! rice! party hats! rubber gloves! (?))

and the littles are bathed and tucked in. and oh sweet lord if i could only stop eating smarties and finish this mug of tea, i'd be not here blogging at all, but fast asleep.

except that i need to stay awake waiting for those fifteen-year-olds.
and i really need to brush my teeth.

happy halloween.

xo,
tt

Sunday, October 30, 2011

hi from sunday night::

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finally shot a roll with the pentax last weekend. will be sharing them here the next day or two.
they are each a little bit of what our days have been around here, lately.

or rather, what they were before we were covered in late october snow.
heavy, wet, branch-breaking snow. we lost the lilac in the driveway.
part of a dogwood.
more of the japanese maple in the front yard.

but it was more than a little beautiful while it lasted.

enjoy sunday night. i do love sunday nights.

more soon.
xo,
tt

Friday, October 28, 2011

friday happiness::

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let's do this thing: (a little late in the day...)

this most perfect of fall days was sullied not at all by an angry teenybopper in the morning, and sick kitty to the vet later on, traffic on the way back from the market, at which i had to make some hard decisions, budget-wise. but the girls want sushi night tomorrow, and frankly, sushi night is not the high-ticket item it is when you go out for sushi. we can do this quite nicely, at home.
and the grumpy girl came back home finding mama alseep-still recovering from this dreadful insult-to-injury headcold-and she cuddled up like the baby she was, looking pink cheeked and radiant. and, frankly, beautiful. and happy.

i wrote my girls notes yesterday telling them a few good things that perhaps get drowned out when said in the same stream as "take your cleats off and wash your hands and what's the homework situation."
and one thing i had to say is yes, you happy makes me happy. but please don't ever pretend. it's a fine line, i know. i know all too well. about being pleasing and having a good attitude.
well, hell. i stake my life on it, don't i? that's what this space is all about, after all, in a sense.

but i don't ever want a girl of mine to think she has to put a face on.

you know?

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so, friday happiness.
all the messy hard wonderful minute-by-minute damage control and joy that occurs in the course of any friday. any day.

that's what makes me happy.

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and thus. good night.
more soon.
xo,
tt

Thursday, October 27, 2011

sort of like when an actor looks at the camera and addresses the audience directly.

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hi.

i think i need to look at the camera and say a word about comments.

i'd been having a hard time knowing what to do. i read and think about every single comment that comes in. and frankly, it's not like there are so many...but enough.
but then there were some that i wasn't so sure about. not so sure that i needed to give voice to in this, my own very personal space. so i would post most of the wonderful caring kind thoughtful ones. and leave those other ones out.
and then i thought i'd maybe just stop writing here at all.
but you know,
i can't really help myself.
and i do get so much encouragement and warmth from all the good words that come back to me here.

and so.
i decided what i'd do is leave comments open, but stop posting them.
and so that's what i've been doing. but maybe, since i didn't put anything on the sidebar, or something like that, it's not clear that i read them. or why i don't publish them.

i sort of feel that it's like you're writing to me. having a conversation with me. and yes, one of the BEST things about blogs sometimes is the community and sharing that comes from and within the comments. but maybe not here? i'm not really sharing much information, after all. it's all pretty personal.

so i read them all. and it makes me feel like i've heard from a friend. someone who heard what i had to say and had something to say about it. and that's good.

so there it is.

also, one very important piece to this all:
blogger-oh, blogger, blogger, blogger...-does not give me your e-mail!!! maybe you don't realize this? or it's some setting i don't have enabled or something? but unless i know your e-mail already, if you send me a comment and i would like to respond, i can't.
well, with some of you, i could follow your profile to your web page and hunt down your e-mail or comment on a post of yours.

but i have to be honest. i just don't have it in me. (and now i'm editing to say-oh!? does that sound awful? but you know what i mean, yes? i'm just trying to fit it all in. and i just have to make choices as we all do about how much time i can give to anything other than the essential... and on and on. i mean this all nicely.)

so please! please. if you send me a comment with your e-mail instead of your blogger profile? (and i really don't even know if it's a different sign in or whatever...)then there is an almost 100% better chance that i could, you know, send you a line and say:

hi.
thanks so much for being here. for your kind words. for taking the time to read what i have to say, to look at what i have to show you. for making me feel that i'm doing something worthwhile. not just for me, but for maybe just one somebody else. thanks.

or something like that. because that's what i feel.

so, hi.
thanks so much for being here.

more soon.
xo,
tt

Wednesday, October 26, 2011

"it's just the normal noises in here." ***

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callie is fifteen; so are kt & jo. they'll be sixteen first. next april.
we're thinking about letting (making? suggesting? not sure...) them go see the rocky horror picture show at the music hall this saturday at 11:30pm.
we've said no to so much this year.
we're hoping they'll appreciate this yes (or please go! don't you want to? don't you know about this?).

lindsey is twelve, and tim and anna are knocking on the bathroom door.
"why can't she come in to brush her teeth?" he asks. "why does she need to wait?"

i need to step in. yell up. let her be. anna can wait. read to her first, then teeth.

twelve. twelve deserves some privacy from six.

have i mentioned that abby can stand on her hind legs at the kitchen door and ring the prayer bell when she wants to go out???

our doors and windows are closed tonight. closed, even, for most of the day. it's a hard adjustment for me. i feel shut in. closed off. i have to get up every four minutes or so. walk around. peer out to the park and check on the girls.

but tonight, it feels safe and i'm glad to have who is here, here. i wish there were more of us.

it never feels quite right, when there is not all of us.
it's not easy when there's all of us.
and it is most certainly not quiet.

but that's one of the losses, one of the gains.
we are never quite right, no matter what the combination.
some of us are always missing someone.

but all of us always have someone near us to love.

more soon.
xo,
tt

***how old are you? i'm forty-four. so this means something to me.

Tuesday, October 25, 2011

file under: shameless self-promotion. see also: not my strong point.

298::365

hello friends.

out of my, er...comfort zone here. but i just want to mention that i've added some new prints to our etsy shop. i'm pretty proud of them, so at the very least, i'd love it if you'd check it out and say something nice about them.

and while you're there...if you have any thoughts about what images might be worthwhile to make prints of, i'd really appreciate the feedback.

ok,
enough of that.

more soon.
xo,
tt

Monday, October 24, 2011

tonight i was alone in the house for a few minutes.  and it was lovely.  and then it was over and i was relieved.

i do not sleep from three am until six am and then i'm up before everyone cheerily making breakfast and then, later, i collapse while anna sits practically on top of me writing and talking and singing and i'm sleeping like the dead and then i get up again and once again am cheerily making dinner.

it occurred to me suddenly and violently this afternoon that this is not a good way to live.

also: i would like a new dress and would like to do yoga.

also: i count myself lucky because of all of the incredibly inspirational people i call friends around me who keep me from sinking into self pity.

also: i made french toast last week with garam masala instead of cinnamon. by accident, obviously. not a good accident. obviously.

also: i can not stop watching avett brothers videos on youtube today.

also: lindsey is sitting next to me just now eating a waffle with syrup. it's about, i'd say, her third meal since she's been home at five-thirty tonight. (the first of which was chicken parmesan.)

and: callie.

and: oh.

oh.

tim's over there working and we sat on the couch for about ten minutes tonight in between making dinner and serving dinner and cleaning up from dinner. i find more and more we're not spending any down time outside of bed in the morning, and bed at night. the rest of the day one or both of us are working doing fixing.

and we need to be creating. just as some people need to breathe or eat, we need that other thing, that other food that feeds us. that thing that makes us feel that we're being our selves.

and that's a hard thing to put on a list that includes kids and money and house and family and on and on.

but we need it.

and we're lucky that we both need it and both know that we both need it.

we're lucky for that.

and lots.

more soon.

xo,
tt

Sunday, October 23, 2011

hi from sunday night.

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a trip up the river,
down the river.

all the way up i was excited to get there.
all the way back i couldn't wait to get home.

my heart is twisting up into itself a little bit more everyday.
but i think these photos are beautiful.

and i do know everything is going to be alright.
i do.
for all of us.

xo,
tt

Tuesday, October 18, 2011

they get grainier as the night progresses. perhaps our night does, as well.

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just photos again.

not sure what to say right now.

soon.

thanks for being here.

xo,
tt

Sunday, October 16, 2011

hi from sunday night.

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more quiet.
more photos.

more,
soon.

xo,
tt

Friday, October 14, 2011

friday happiness::

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i absolutely love this time of year.
(i may have mentioned this once or twice before.)

best wishes to you all for a wonderful weekend.

xo,
tt

Thursday, October 13, 2011

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i have a few minutes here.

dinner is ready. two roasted chickens are waiting. rice is done. broccoli steaming. salad on the table.

four of six have finished homework. picked out tomorrow's clothes.

two are on their way home now, with tim, from a game one town away.

the windows are dark and i can catch myself walking through the rooms,
see the candles lit and watch myself approach the livingroom with my glass of wine.

i took a walk with a friend this morning: or rather, she took me for a walk. she walks.
i didn't even take my camera out of the car because i knew there'd be no stopping for every wet leaf and dewy field.
and it was right.
we talked and listened and i didn't stop and take a picture, but i did notice.
the trees have turned since just last weekend. i brought home a branch, which is now in a vase.

also today: i took care of so many little things that had been piling up and clouding my brain.
this felt good.

i made a girl or two happy.
hopefully more of the same to come this evening.

i hear voices in the driveway and cleats on the front steps.
and so our evening begins.

take care.
xo,
tt

Tuesday, October 11, 2011

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black and white weekend at bantam lake.

more soon.

xo,
tt