a yard and a half of random.

jumping right in::

here we are in full on summer, it seems. girls are scattered and we now have just one little lonely, who fortunately has attached herself to her new best friend next door (who i consider a gift from the heavens, frankly.)

inspired myself by peonies blooming and photos of other people's bright and lovely spaces, i've been walking around the house moving this vase here and that pillow there and hanging a picture or two. cleaning off my desk and folding clean towels into tall stacks. i'm stopping short of vacuuming, as i think we can all agree it would be ludicrous for me to be vacuuming on the saturday of memorial day weekend.

tim is on day three (or four?) of working on the truck (two of those days with a mechanic who makes housecalls) to get it in summer road trip worthy condition. and it's getting there.

our first run will be tomorrow, for he, anna and i are heading to connecticut to camp for a night, stopping on our way (don't look at a map, you'll think we're nuts, as it's not exactly on the way,) in hudson, ny for a long overdue visit to beer and books and baba louie's pizza and whiterice.
i'd give you links but that's not my strong point.

we three took a nice day trip to the high line park in chelsea yesterday with two of our camera carrying girls. it was hot, but i have to say it was pretty darn fun. driving in with the twins and anna i looked at tim and commented that i don't think we'd ever had that particular combo of children for an outing before. and except for some whining about not being able to walk one more step, it was smooth sailing. good combo, indeed.

that said though, i miss those other girls something awful. it's really hit me, this long weekend with them away. usually it sort of flies by and they're stomping through the front door again before i know it, but i actually shed tears when i drove away from them on friday morning. it's not that they're glued to me all day long when they're here, it's just having them around. having them run by or call out or walk in at random intervals. i like that. i like the looks of them. lots.

tim's got the truck running out there and i've got music on in here and anna's got a smile on her face as she follows her girl up the street and we've got dinner out with my parents and brother tonight and camping to gear up for and a breeze drifting through the open doors and windows lightly, and it feels like we're in the middle of summer, instead of what we really are: just on the cusp, and still with four weeks of school days to slog through.

but goodness, for now, it sure does feel good.

enjoy today.
xo,
tt

what's going on in our house these days::

well, for starters, we have no fewer than four pentax k1000 cameras in use right now. if we had all decided upon caviar as our new habit, it may have been a cheaper decision. and yet...

we are eating outside again. we had begun a few weeks ago, and then came the deluge. but tonight was perfect. although our neighbor has had a tree removed, which for now makes six o'clock dining a bit unbearable. this too shall pass.

i drove home with anna from school this sunny day and noticed quite a few classmates walking home together, obviously on their way to playdates or to the park. and i realized with a sharp pang that she doesn't really have any friends her age once she leaves her school. i drive her home to be with girls and boys and us and it's all really, really good, but maybe she's missing something. i'm going to think on it, because while it may seem an easy answer, for us, it may not be so. we do have some circumstances that perhaps make the easy answer not so easy.

i stood in the back yard this afternoon: snack was out and homework was done; dinner had been long since planned and begun; the table setting had been set up for the girls to bring outside; the laundry was going; the kids off and running and happy.

and i almost cried. for just one or two minutes, it felt as if i was completely lost-bored, helpless and useless; and what the heck am i doing? this is all just too easy, and yet, so encompassing as to make doing anything else so hard...

and i remembered something i'd seen on amanda's blog:

"be content with what you have; rejoice in the way things are. when you realize there is nothing lacking, the whole world belongs to you."~ Lao Tzu

and with that thought, i went back inside, and finished dinner, and felt just fine.

best wishes.
xo,
tt

hi.
we are back here at home and it felt so good to come home, although the days away were as fine as could be.
i think i love my family-my own little family and my first family and all the extended parts-a little more with every passing event that we share together.

in any event, this all surprises me a bit as i hmmn and haww and suffer in the days and moments up to being together. do you do this? or am i just a mess?

i seem to dread the actual event, leading up to it. but when it is upon me i am giddy with the immediacy of being with these people that i do love so much.

my nieces and nephews seem to me to be the best parts of all of my family's traits, wrapped up in really nice looking packages.

i love them to bits.

::

the surprise about this weekend was how difficult anna was. or, to be fair, how difficult it was on anna.

we-tim and i; her five big sisters; pretty much everyone she's ever met-have catered to this big-eyed, soft cheeked, sweet natured little girl for her entire life. she spent the first two years, practically, strapped to either tim or i, and with every single person she encountered fawning over her.

for good reason.

she's really something.

but maybe...
we,
who have parented five other children::
well, listen up here: i've basically raised two of those on my own, with an indespensible advisor in the form of tim. oh! and nana and pop...
but me. i'm the one, there.

and then:: the three others-well, tim and i do the daily caring and shuttling and loving, and all sorts of unquantifiable else. but imagine doing all that with a voice so powerful and disparate having the strongest say...
not a pretty sight. not an easy task.

welcome to our world (all of ours....)

and then,
anna.

and we own her outright.

but maybe her station as everyone's love, everyone's buffer...

tim and i have some work to do, i think.

hmmn.

i guess this parenting thing is never ending.

that's ok.

because it's also everything i could ever wish for.

as are these girls. every one of them.

ramble thus completed. more soon.

xo,
tt

well, hi.

i feel a little bit as if i'm letting you down. and dropping the ball. etc., etc.

oh, and maybe that's just me transferring things from me to you. oy. obviously, i've spent a few hours on the couch.

this is all my way of saying: we're going away!!! well.

not away away. don't get your hopes up. i'm not going to fly or anything.

but we are taking a nice, long, three day roadtrip of the sentimental and familial sort. good times.

and today. today! i went all the way into new york city and met the loveliest of friends that i had never yet met.

good times.

and when i came home to happy children, smiling grown-ups, a few scraps of homemade pizza, and a clean house?
good times.

and now there are a few things to pack, a few girls still straggling about, cats to wrangle into the house, a kettle to be made into tea...and a good nights rest to be had....

good times.

and best wishes to you for good times.

i'll be back when we're back.

xo,
tt

anna gets a haircut.

old school barbershop. little girl on a big booster cushion. spray bottles and lollipops.
some things really can't be improved upon.

enjoy monday!
xo,
tt

friday happiness::

around our yard a few weeks ago, in the gloaming.

best wishes to you all. truly.
xo,
tt

wednesday may 11 2011

i find i have so much less tolerance for adults who behave like children
than i do for children who think they are already adults.

my husband is mowing the front hill, and although it's not so necessary, and the timing isn't so great, i know for certain that there is no gain in mentioning either fact to him.

a friend came home and i felt that something came loose again while talking to her. i had been making mental notes the whole time she was gone, for there are some things i can only say to her.

john prine came on the radio. i love john prine. i know he's hokey, but when i hear him sing lake marie, i am twelve, sitting on a deck chair with my brothers, and happier than i'd ever been before. *

i made so few mistakes this week that i feel like a champion.

i am smart enough to know the universe will knock that feeling out of me soon like a heavyweight.

the girls have begun to play kickball with the new foursquare ball i bought them in sag harbor last friday.

i pretty much grew up playing kickball. and kick the can. which although i've explained it to them a few times, it has heretofore not caught on. maybe this summer.

ah. this summer. can it start now please? because the kids are ready to just be, and i'm ready to just leave them be.

soon. soon.

i so want to take better photos. i just thought i should tell you. i truly long to be better.

but i do make a mean frittata, and so i'm going to be doing that a lot in the coming weeks.

especially now that the markets are opening up again around here.

and, ever grateful, i'm watching the girls out front and thinking: yes. just this. this is all.

i may want more. but this.

this is all.

enjoy tonight.

xo,
tt

*yes, it's a nine minute video, and maybe not everybody's thing. but i rarely link. so it's something i feel strongly about, obviously. just saying. xo.

and on monday...

more blue skies and sun that bleaches bad things out of linens on the line
and your head, as well...
for you can't see much when you're in a chair in the yard watching the laundry dry.

the sunlight reflects off of the towels and sheets and makes you blind
to the world in front of you.

you can look up, at the buds and the new leaves,
and you can squint and then close your eyes and drift away.

if only for a little while.

in no time,
all is dry and it's time for another batch to be hung.

there are choices i've made. i'm making; which i'm not so sure of and absolutely certain of; that enable me to spend a day like this.

no one life is simply led. it's gloriously complicated every step of the way.

as it should be.

?

best wishes.
xo,
tt

and to all a good night.

bright sun and yard work.
homemade cards and a walk.
new sheets on the bed and dinner as good as could be.
a few promises and a handmade bowl.
me in a new shirt, feeling like a million bucks.
sitting for a long time at the table,
girls in and girls out of the house all along,
and realizing that
it really is just as i always wanted.

a happy mother's day.
and best wishes to you all.

xo,
tt

once you get out of the habit of doing something,
surely,
it becomes harder to just do it.

and so it seems to be with here.

so i offer this photo. not my favorite, but the photo i took today.

we had a nice, slow, sunny, cloudy, crescent rolls in the oven, clothes on the line
sort of morning.

and tim worked around the yard,
i walked around with my tea and cut some flowers.
the lilacs are almost gone.

the girls slept late and then i took two of them with me to find an outdoor market.
not yet.
so we ended up at an indoor market at the last minute:
pickles, chickens, arugula, pears, radishes, broccoli rabe.

i still had to go to the store for mother's day dinner, though.

i'm still a daughter first it seems, if only on this one particular day.

more to tell, more to show.
just trying to get back in the habit of here.

enjoy tonight.
xo,
tt

i am so conflicted about so many things,
but not about this:

things are getting better.
my girls are doing just fine.
just fine should never be confused with perfectly.
perfect should never be the goal.
admitting that you need to do better
is better than pretending you will, tomorrow.
some things never disappoint;
pizza, for instance.
and reading with your kids.
going to bed early.
taking a walk.

i said to tim today: i know i need to do better.
he said: you need to give yourself a break.

i think we all do.

don't you?

::

habit just keeps getting better and better; it is the friend that keeps calling, just when you need to talk.

::

xo,
tt

a few random photos from lately.

best wishes for a week full of things the way you want them.

xo,
tt