and here is where i record our quotidian ceremonies.

we ate outside last night, for the first time this year.

xo,
tt.

feet in the morning, feet at night.

i'm aware of how maudlin this space has become. and in an effort to lift the mood a bit,
i offer::

if i can give my girls three pieces of french toast in the morning each,
and two quesadillas for a late night snack, i pretty much feel my life has been a success.

the silence in our house became so oppressive today on this third or forth day of out-of-doors weather, and it finally occurred to me to turn on some music, thus saving my sanity.

i'm going away for three weeks this summer, and it struck me today that there are a few recipes that are so indispensable that i need to start to commit them to memory. sort of like preparing for the spelling bee of cooking.

call that friend you've been thinking about. don't just e-mail. (hi, my friends. sorry for the e-mail.)

the trees are a little absurd right now, huh? a little show-offey, if you ask me. in the best way.

i cleaned the entire house today by 11:30, and then needed to take a nap. pathetic.

i'm taking the fact that my oldest daughter is in the same room as me doing her homework right now as a sign that things are not nearly as bad as i think sometimes.

and she's talking to me, and eating food i'm making for her, and laughing, and her sisters are showering or sleeping or reading.

and this all, i'm just going to accept as what is right, right now.

xo,
tt

"the time to make up your mind about people is never."

ok.
so i've said this before. here, even. (please don't insist i find a link...)

i took this photo last summer sometime. maybe even last, last summer.

my desk is a mess. as much as i crave, insist upon, thrive in, a clean, orderly environment...
just as i will bring a sick child to the doctor on first flush of fever, but go weeks myself staving off the flu with nothing but tea...
well.
my desk is a mess.

i often make the joke that i will die smothered in an avalanche of photos and receipts.
it nearly happened today.
and this one, which i've seen for months and months and in the back of my mind meant to throw away.

well.
here it is.
and i like it.

i'm a parent who is flawed. and a wife who is loving. i'm a woman who is still growing. and an awed observer of teenagers who think they have grown enough to not need me. my role is in flux. my role is expanding, and contracting all at once.
i am happy and restless and no longer lithe and nimble, but my mind keeps me sharp and lovely.

and i love those around me, even as i am reprimanding. i do not long to be the gatekeeper.
only the one with open arms when they need to come back home.

you'll get it all soon. unless you already know.
and then, please...
hug me when you see me.

xo,
tt

a very soft and lovely sunday, with rain, sun, and the damp smell of earth.

and a song.

best wishes on this sunday: easter, and spring. finally.
xo,
tt

this morning.

::girls are still sleeping.
grey, cold, but still green and yellow and blushing branches outside our windows.

::there is always oatmeal. and never anything better.
except, lindsey found the absolute perfect from-scratch pancake formula,
and i now jar several batches of the dry ingredients , so it's always ready to go.

::also, eating matzos like it's going out of style. anna's favorite: spread with butter, sprinkled with salt.
and i'm going to experiment this morning and try to make chocolate covered matzos. any ideas?

::i do believe my love affair with the spectra is not quite over. more soon.

::try this: think about what you could do to make someone's day, and then do it.

::i do so badly need to clean this house, but perhaps that can wait.

enjoy today.
xo,
tt

so, we're on spring break and today i had a day with just callie in the city.
and i have to say, although there were a few moments in the beginning of
"why can't i hang out in town..." (a continuation of sunday night's discussion,)
the rest of the day was dreamy.

i realize and remember all at once how much i love to be with my daughters.
and one on one. oh, my.

the way to go.

and now tonight...just to be home and to have no agenda and no demands.
and my parents are back in new york.
and spring.
and and and.

there's just so much good.
so much.

xo,
tt

and yet still it's this neglected space to which i find myself returning.

and my absence has been so much about what is going on in our life, rather than any stand i'm taking about being here. and i love all the things opening up and blooming around us. and i love the changes taking place within and around me. and i'm thankful for the challenges, for they are making me think and making me see my place at it is; so lucky and fortunate and full. and the first bird starts singing at five thirty, and i wake with it and have a few minutes awake then, to panic and reassess and be glad for the two more hours before i need to reckon. and i've said it before, but i love it all. xo, tt

we're home and tea is still hot in our mugs and we've already come and gone from book club. and tim and his mom are talking laughing volleying stories from the past between one another, and the girls are clean and warm and tucked in with legs, arms, books and more, spread out and over their beds. i am ready myself to fall into bed face first, and just start dreaming. to even, given my druthers, to summon up scenarios as i did in the past in hopes of directing the path of my dreams. but now most likely i will spend my waking minutes worrying and then my sleeping hours dreaming of worrisome things that i do not direct. but there are still a few gorgeous seconds between the the waking and the sleeping that i summon up scenarios as i did in the past. my name for that is hoping. i love it all. xo, tt

uncle.

xo, tt

this one warm day has spoiled us for all the coolish days leading up to summer. we are now smitten and bitter that we've had to wait this long.

well, and a not a little bit grateful for just this one day. glorious. xo, tt.

here's the thing.

the best part of any day has to be when i've my face buried into a daughter's neck breathing them in and saying goodnight.

i have a choice at every step and turn. and i make it. i take it. it's mine.

i can do what i want because i'm a grown up. scary, crazy, heady, wonderful.

our house is a box of quiet for hours each day/ a box of chaos for the rest.

and then we all sleep.

we go grocery shopping together.

sometimes.

sometimes, a song comes on, and i stop what i'm doing and am suddenly somewhere else.

all of this thinking seems to leave me, floating out of the top of my head, out of my pores, the minute my feet touch the shale of a path in the woods and i'm no longer thinking, but merely.me.

me. looking.

me. feeling.

we have a ridiculously disparate group of humans living together in close quarters. perhaps this is the definition of family. perhaps this is a human's greatest challenge and greatest comfort.

or maybe it's just a hassle.

but i know right this second i would not want to live with seven of me. so this is better.

i think i do my best cooking when i'm working from what we've left in the pantry. it's so much more work but i feel like i'm creating some sort of magic out of almost nothing.

i think lindsey is starting to look more like me. maybe she always did and i never saw it. she grew three inches in the last six months.

a friend left me two dozen purple tulips on the doorstep this morning. it was unnecessary but i love them, nonetheless.

love. nonetheless.

xo,

tt

a walk around our park; still no words, but maybe something to say.

a reminder that we can all, everywhere, do better. try our best. our kids are on this on saturday. xo, tt

city sky, country sky.

i'm sorry.

i'm a compulsive perfectionist after all, it seems,

and i just can't stand blogger anymore.

i'll be back when i've figured it out,

and have something to say.

xo,

tt