so here's the situation:

we can't drink our water without boiling it,
or wash our hands or our dishes in the sink.

we're waiting on the "storm of the century,"
and with our food budget being what it is this week,
i went out and bought:

celery
carrots
two lemons
two limes
apple cider
lettuce
parsley
and a whole chicken

with what we have in the house already
we can make
in the next two to three days:

lentil soup
roast chicken
chicken soup with barley
garam masala and rice
pasta with tomato sauce
four loaves of bread
salad for a couple of nights
pancakes
hot chocolate
lots of popcorn
lots of cinnamon toast
lots of tea
and
(and this is where you come in...)
brownies.

would you all point me in the direction of your go-to brownie recipe?

the kids will thank you.
(as do i.)

in advance,
my appreciation.

now off to boil some more water.

more soon.
xo,
tt

hi from sunday night.

sunday morning home:
hot tea and warm blueberries bursting,
we three at the table;
our heads bent over books,
paper and ink,
blueberry pancakes.

off for the day:
skates packed in the back of the car,
hoping for a cleared pond somewhere.
somewhere north of home.

the search for a frozen pond became clearly futile,
and we instead looked for a virgin hill.
finding one, he packed a path down,
set off with anna between his knees.
then sent her off on her own.
then got me out of the car,
sent me down
straight down with her standing,
me screaming "too fast"
and finally landing deep in snow,
in jeans and a skirt,
in fingerless gloves.
laughing and retreating back to the car.

a thermos full of tea waiting for them
when they climbed back up the last time,
climbed in stripping off their own wet pants.
driving now around connecticut partially dressed:
drinking tea with honey;
eating blue cheese and rice crackers,
peanut butter cookies and macaroons,
salami and an apple.

perhaps the oddest, happiest moveable feast.

another week begins.

best wishes,
tt

look up.

xo,
tt

outside, inside::

tim just made me laugh so hard i have tears in my eyes and my belly muscles (in as much as i have them...) ache.

it's a really good feeling.

waiting on more snow, even as it's falling.

enjoy the day.
xo,
tt

hi from sunday night.

::

things are good here.
my life has completely skewed toward the frankies.
i want to write about it, but that may take some time.
suffice it to say:
i,
and several members of my family,
have been subdued by tomato sauce tonight.

best wishes for a good week.

xo,
tt

this week came out of nowhere, and i'm glad to see it go.

morning, noon, night.
polaroid around my house.

::

soft light, and quiet in each room. that is what i crave.
but what i need is six girls around me and one man by my side.

conventional to complain about the weather now,
but i like it.
i like the shadows on the snow, and bare branches are just fine.

i want long walks and arms around me.

i want so much more and yet love what i have.

i think that is just about right.

::

enjoy this weekend,
which seemed a long time coming.

xo,
tt

snow day,
with no snow.
but delicate, glistening, icy droplets.

berries in the freezer mean
raspberry muffins.

cats too smart to go outside,
girls who really need to.
way too much energy in this house today.

night now,
and time to clear off my desk
to make room for dinner.

much love.

xo.
tt

we went walking alone, together, in the late afternoon on january 17.

hi from sunday night.

oh, right.

well, it seems like sunday night. but so did friday night, come to think of it.

tim and i went walking today.
the girls were scattered, once again.
this seems to be the norm: even anna was off on her own, across the street.

by on her own, of course, i mean without us. away from us.

so we went walking,
and we took all the hills we could,
and i stopped and took two too many polaroids.
i need to be more frugal with them.

i suppose i'm learning what works and what doesn't,
but i seem to be making the same mistakes
over and over
before i get it through my head,
what works and what doesn't.

with the polaroids.
with lots of things.

::

do you know the feeling, when you step back from yourself,
of not even vaguely understanding what made you so mad about something
for so long?

of not grasping what it was that made it ok to behave a certain way?

i'm getting older, it's evident.
my body aches more than it feels good,
and sometimes i catch myself in the mirror at the bottom of the stairs,
or in the instant replay of a digital camera,
and i do not even recognize that body
as being mine.

i'm getting older,
but i seem to be catching on a bit.

to lots of things.
to what works, and what doesn't.

and it feels like the breath out
when you didn't realize you were holding your breath.

::

and tomorrow is tuesday.

xo,
tt

sunday morning coffee. hyacinths from stephanie. jar of twine. anna, waiting.

morning light and polaroid.

enjoy sunday, friends.

xo,
tt

i woke in the middle of dreaming
that i was awake, and trying to rouse the girls.
the clocks were all wrong, in this dream,
and we had overslept.
or maybe not at all.
i wasn't sure anymore,
and they were all swimming
before school;
no one would eat breakfast.
and i was there
in the kitchen in my parents old house-
my old house-
cooking and trying to find a clock
that would tell me what time it was.

::

when i did wake up some girls were dressed
and some were still sleeping.
two were already off to school.

one was ready in a flash,
and was eager to leave the youngers behind,
and i opened my mouth to begin
the daily lecture.

and then shut it.
shut my mouth,
and said
have a nice day, sweetie.

then,
left with just the three,
i kissed and patted
and fussed over toast
and proper outerwear.
and then sent them off
with tim.

now my job is done,
as it is friday,
and so the taking back in
is all that's left for me to do,
and that is the easy part.

the hardest
it seems
is that shutting up part.

i'm getting better at it, though.
trying.

who ever guesses when we first have these babes
that what we don't do
will become as important
as what we do?

happy friday! enjoy the weekend.
xo,
tt

yes.

i had ordered more film for the spectra on implulse, despite...um...bugetary concerns.
and now that it's here i could not be happier that i did.

::

this morning,
on my table.
bread by beth.

xo,
tt

and here we are again:
we've already gotten the call; no school tomorrow.

i've stocked up,
and made stock.
(bad pun, i realize. but true.)

and i'm ready to just be here,
to be home.
i'm hoping some friends will come by,
and planning on cooking all day.

this is what winter,
what home,
what it all
means
to me.

xo,
tt

going off the rails:: part two

i may be having a mid-life crisis.
i'm about to be forty-four. but for now, i'm forty-three.
which would mean
that i've only got eighty-six years in me.
please lord,
don't let this be a mid-life crisis.
could we put that off until forty-six?

but i'm a little lost.

and yet,
you all-every.one-know where to find me.
at.all.times.

i'm here.
i'm here cleaning and baking and holding and folding (and apparently channelling kenny rogers...)

i love it here. as you know. as i well know.

but.

i'd like to go off on my own for a day every once in a while for the sole purpose of taking pictures of something other than the inside of our own house.

i'd like to dress sexier.

i'd like to spend more time on my couch or in my bed, wearing reading glasses and have people (read: girls) know that they shouldn't disturb me. as opposed to, say, that being an invitation to be flopped upon and then fought over.

i would like to take darker photographs.

i have just ordered three packs of film for my polaroid camera, and although i am cutting into our food budget, i could not be happier that i did, or more excited for the box to arrive.

i spent an inordinate amount of time looking at other people's photography today, and once again i am both humbled and inspired. this is an improvement over the days that i feel merely humbled.

i am in love with my daughters, and am coming to terms with the idea that it might be, if only temporarily, unrequited.

i cling to my husband, my daughters, my cats...i touch them and hold on to them and sometimes recognize that i need to let them come to me; sometimes i can't wait and i go and wrap my arms, my hands, around them. in any event: i need to touch and be touched.

don't we all?

i've been looking through older photographs, trying to sort through for myself what is good about what i do. what is not real enough, or true enough. good enough.

this one from my time in new hampshire, at the pink house with adam and the girls; i'm pretty certain i have not posted this photo before. but if i have, well.

off the rails. but feeling just fine.

more soon.

xo,
tt

hi from sunday night.

i've said it before, and i'll say it again:
this parenting gig is tough stuff.
but the benefits are awfully good,
if you're willing to be paid off in small, bittersweet increments.

here's wishing for good, gentle surprises this week.
xo,
tt

friday morning here began in the dark,
waiting for a ringing phone to call off school.
it rang, indeed
and instead called the girls out of bed,
off to school
for just a few hours.
so silly.

one small girl we kept home,
only after some coaxing (on our part.)
our small girl sent across the street to her small friend now,
and tim and i left for a few hours
in our quiet house,
where cups and pencils stay put in the places we leave them,
where the front hall rug lies flat and clean,
where a cat stretching and knocking a book off a table
is enough to make us both look up, turn our heads,
go back to our sketch pad, our screen.

this may be all so boring,
but in a few hours our door will open,
prayer bells ringing,
and boots will be kicked off, left where they fall;
cupboards and jars will be opened and emptied,
the couches and chairs flopped into and music will start playing.

and our weekend will begin.

i'm looking forward to:
blueberry muffins
potato pancakes with friends
warm cider with cinnamon sticks
instruments played in our basement
records played on our stereo
blankets warm from the radiators
cats curled up on my feet
movies in bed
trudging across the park
girls sleeping in
chunky knitting
jane eyre
chocolate cookies
melted cheese

and snow.

best wishes to you this friday.
xo,
tt

new year's day walk {film.}

and we're due for more snow tomorrow. this is happy news to me.
these winter days i've been liking the feeling of being wrapped up, battened down, making do.

more tomorrow.
xo,
tt