Saturday, December 31, 2011
right now, i'm listening to my beloved avett brothers, which jojo copied on disc for me.
and i'm drinking a watered-down mug full of wine, trying to ease my nerves,
quite very frayed by the last week or so.
ok, the last year or so.
today, here, it is cold-ish but the sun was out and is fading now. we most likely would have taken a long walk with all the girls, but i just didn't have it in me. not the walking, but the wrangling. the negotiating over who sits where in the car. who wants to go and who does not but must be strong-armed. the bringing of snacks and bribing of girls.
i'm just exhausted by it.
today, here, our basement is tricked out with little white lights and tablecloths concealing the shabbiness of every conceivable table and bench and chair. there are twenty plastic champagne glasses set up, next to bottles of seltzer and cider and salad bowls full of chips and pretzels. we grown-ups get to go across the park and stand next to a similar spread, but in a livingroom empty of children.
today, here, we have some teenage drama playing out in front of our house and being narrated by text messages and illustrated with polaroids of family portraits, thankfully without sound.
(although i've an idea tim was standing behind me with the flip camera, so...)
today, here, i am ready to bid this year good bye, good riddance. both scared of what's next and sad to leave what was, as difficult and just plain rotten as so much of it was.
i've taken a picture a day for the last year. (also the year before.)
today, here, i've sat and watched them scroll across my screen, like this.
and it makes me think. makes me feel a thing or two or three hundred.
the first thing that comes to mind is: damn, i miss that spectra image film!
the second is: i drink a lot of tea and even more wine.
the third is: i don't get out much.
in the end, i'm so sure that i will, tomorrow, here, wake up and start it all over again.
with all the changes that are going to take place in the next year-the ones i know about (a job! kids growing older!) and so many i can't know- waiting, ominously and promisingly, around the corners of our days...i need to keep going. keep noticing and recording. even if the majority of those things are of interest only to me. to us.
and, someday i think, to these girls.
in the end,
and last night, in the middle of a fitful sleep in a bed filled with me, my love, the cats, and two too many of the girls...
i realized that i am truly completely consumed by being a parent to these kids.
i don't know if that's good or bad; if it will come to be shown that i screwed it all up, and them, and myself in the process.
but there it is.
just small, obvious revelations.
and the hope for more and less of the same in the new year.
(and some spectra film.)
best wishes to you all. truly. truly.
Posted by Tara Thayer at 4:27 PM