when anna was little-which of course was about six months ago. a year, three years ago.-and i would leave her at nursery school she would say to me "are you going to do three things?"
and i would say "yes, i'm going to do three things and then come back and get you."

we haven't said that in so long, and then tonight;
"three things?"
three fingers up and looking at me with those big eyes.

::


it got me thinking;
when callie was little-which of course was a long lifetime ago, it seems.-she would say "just one more song."
and again, and again.
and i would stomp my foot at the end and say "no more songs!" and be so genuinely frustrated. it seemed to me that she needed me to get mad to end it.

i had a hard time when i had my first.
i felt so alone and it all fell to me.
and callie was so good. so good.
but still, it was hard for me.

::

lindsey was so different. than her sister before her or her sister after, or her three (3!) stepsisters in between.

i always said i could look her straight in the eye and we were completely connected, but that i never really felt i had any hold over her, the way i did callie. i could always expain to callie : you need to do this so that we can do this; or whatever. but she got it.

lindsey really always had her mind set long before i even saw what she was looking at.

::

and so it goes.

i've said it before and i'll say it again:
this parenting gig is rough stuff.

xo,
tt